Charlotte Snyder says:

Hi Nablia! Great question. Children have full control over very little (food, sleep, elimination) and these are biological needs that they’re not ready to take responsibility for, as well as being areas families can feel a high level of stress. I have two (and a half) recommendations here, neither of which is unique to Montessori but they definitely align with Montessori.

First, talk to your child’s pediatrician. You said your son appears smaller than his peers and has no health issues. That’s wonderful! Our brains are meaning-making machines and rely on comparison to evaluate data, and it’s safe for brains to default to a deficit or pessimistic bias. My baby isn’t eating enough, my baby isn’t sleeping enough, my baby isn’t talking enough, etc. This is hard wired to ensure continuation of the species, and it’s super helpful to have concrete data to tell that little voice that’s always telling us something is wrong to hush.

Even if your son is factually smaller than similarly-aged peers (and not just that natural brain negativity bias), your pediatrician should be able to provide you with a percentile evaluation over time. If your son was 5th percentile on the height/weight chart at birth, is he still at that percentile? That leads me to my second recommendation.

Second, check out The Ellyn Satter Institute, particularly the Division of Responsibility guidelines. This is considered the gold standard in mealtime and supporting healthy dietary practices. Basically, adults choose what and when to serve, children choose how much to eat. Having set meal and snack times, diverse foods available, serving the same meal to all family members, and avoiding grazing are all key to success with eating, to avoiding a power struggle around food, and building a good relationship with food.

Finally, my “half” recommendation is a permission slip. Here’s your permission slip to Do Less, and particularly Worry Less. It really sounds like your son is absolutely thriving. Trust yourself and your son. A message common to Montessori and to the Division of Responsibility practices is trusting your child. It sounds like he’s doing a great job ensuring his energy is spent on the right activities. You’re right to be concerned with nutrition and ensuring he has the proper building blocks to grow, but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything in need of “fixing” here. If anything, maybe he’s less interested in being fed than in feeding himself, and breastmilk isn’t the same nutritional powerhouse for a one-year-old as it is for a newborn (breastmilk loses nutrient density as children are able to meet more of their nutritional needs through self-feeding), and with how active you’ve described your son to be, I can imagine he’s wanting to do as much of the process as possible. He might even enjoy participating in snack and meal time rituals, like helping to set the table, helping to bake or cook, spreading, pouring, all kinds of activities associated with eating. With all the ways you described his growth and activity, it sounds like there’s no risk of failure to thrive, which is really the primary time we get concerned about a child’s food intake at this young stage. I appreciate you asking this question. It’s very brave to ask for help. Asking questions in a public forum like this one is wonderful; if you have a question, a thousand other people have the same question and are worried to ask. I’d love to hear from you in the Childhood Potential Club if you decide to join — we have monthly AMA sessions just like the recorded one where I answer every question, and you’ll have access to me directly on WhatsApp. This journey can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.

Always cheering for you,
Charlotte